Why Cheating?

We know that some people cheat on their spouses, but the question is why do they take such emotional and practical risks? In a survey conducted by Loras College psychologist Julia Omarzu and colleagues, people currently or recently engaged in an extra-marital affair were asked to report on their emotional experiences during the affair. The participants were obtained from a non-random source, namely a website directed toward adults who engage in marital infidelity. Thus, the results don’t generalize to the cheating world in general. However, the findings were nevertheless informative. Of the 77 participants who responded (22 men and 55 women, ages 23-63), 73% were currently married.  The number of extramarital affairs they reported ranged from 1 to 22, with an average of about 4, and most of these were ongoing relationships rather than one-night stands, lasting more than 1 year and, in some cases, as long as 5. They were most likely to contact each other by cellphone, meeting mainly at hotels, one partner’s home, work, or in cars.  Nearly two-thirds of all affairs had ended on friendly terms, with as many as one-half of them staying in touch on friendly terms.

1. Lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship. This was the most common reason cited by individuals in the Omarzu study. Recall that the large majority of the sample were women. Both women and men who enter into affairs are hoping to improve their sex lives. They may enjoy many other mutual activities but, for whatever reason, the sex is not working out for them.

2. Desire for additional sexual encounters. This was a relatively infrequent reason cited by the individuals in this study. It’s possible that more people had this as a reason but didn’t want to admit to it as it is not a very socially desirable wish to articulate. For example, one man in the study stated that he felt he needed more sex in his life to reward him for performing well at his job.

3. Lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship.Seeking emotional intimacy can be nearly as compelling a reason to have an affair as can seeking physical intimacy. Participants who stated the need for emotional closeness in an affair felt they were lacking a connection to their primary partners.

4. Wanting emotional validation from someone else. Being appreciated is a key factor in the emotional connection that partners feel toward each other. Partners may grow apart and, as they do, fail to acknowledge the needs that both have in their relationship.

5. Falling out of love with your partner. This was a relatively insignificant reason in the Omarzu study, perhaps because “love” is so difficult to define. In the grand scheme of things, having sexual and emotional intimacy seems to trump love.

6. Falling in love with someone new.  Very few people indicated that they had fallen head over heels for the person with whom they had the affair. Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor that leads partners to stray.

7. Your wanting to seek revenge. In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating seems to raise the stakes significantly from mere lack of intimacy. Hollywood enjoys exploiting this category (think “American Beauty”), but in reality very few participants cited this as the main cause of their affairs.

8. You’re curious and want new experiences. People who cited this reason felt that they wanted something new, this motivation went beyond curiosity and into some type of contest to measure their sexual prowess. It might have been less complicated for them to compete on the tennis court or golf course, but the allure of someone and something new led them to choose this particular form of challenge.

Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship. Happy couples may decide to experiment and, as Calhoun observed, find that their marriages survive intact if not improved. However, as shown in these studies, it’s a risky venture, not one for the faint at heart.

Punca-Punca Penceraian

Antara punca besar keretakan rumah tangga ialah hubungan seksual yang hambar. Kajian Lembaga Penduduk dan Pembangunan Keluarga Negara (LPPKN) pada 2004, menunjukkan faktor utama perceraian mendapat peratusan tertinggi ialah tiada persefahaman, curang dan enggan dimadukan (12 peratus).

Faktor lain kerana tidak bertanggungjawab (11.5 peratus), campur tangan mentua atau ipar duai (8.8 peratus), disebabkan ketagihan dadah atau alkohol (7.1 peratus), masalah kewangan (1.6 peratus), terbabit jenayah, judi dan masalah kesihatan (1.1 peratus), didera (0.5 peratus) dan selebihnya faktor lain.

Menurut statistik perceraian dikeluarkan Jabatan Kemajuan Islam Malaysia (JAKIM), punca krisis rumah tangga kerana tidak serasi, kecurangan, poligami, campur tangan keluarga, masalah kesihatan pasangan termasuk kesuburan dan suami isteri bermain kayu tiga.

Hubungan hambar disebabkan kurang keinginan seks sama ada daripada pihak suami atau isteri, isteri berasa bosan kerana suami cepat klimaks setiap kali bersama, ketiadaan zuriat, suami mati pucuk, isteri tidak pernah atau jarang mencapai orgasm, juga menjadi masalah besar dalam rumah tangga.

Ia menjadi punca berlaku perbalahan kerana ada pihak yang memendam perasaan dan sakit hati akibat perkara yang dianggap kecil oleh sebelah pihak lagi. Lebih parah apabila pasangan terjerumus dalam fenomena mempunyai kekasih gelap.
Kajian dibuat syarikat farmaseutikal Pfizer melalui The Asia Pacific Sexual Health and Overall Wellness atau APSHOW pada 2008, menunjukkan 57 peratus lelaki dan 64 peratus wanita tidak berasa puas dengan kehidupan seksual mereka.

Kajian dilakukan di 13 negara dari kawasan Asia Pasifik, termasuk Malaysia dengan taburan responden sebanyak 328 lelaki dan 250 wanita. Di negara ini, kajian mendapati 73 peratus wanita Malaysia tidak puas dalam hubungan seks mereka, 62 peratus lelaki turut dikatakan tidak puas.

Pakar seksologi Pusat Kesihatan Seksual Australia, Dr Rosie King berkata, peratusan itu menunjukkan kadar yang tinggi berbanding purata peratus keseluruhan tahap kepuasan seks diperoleh di Asia Pasifik.

Katanya, fenomena itu berlaku berikutan kebanyakan lelaki dan wanita di Malaysia lebih mengutamakan kerjaya dan kehidupan keluarga. 

http://www.bharian.com.my/bharian/articles/PeguamSyarieMenulis_Hubunganseksualhambarantarapuncakeretakanrumahtangga/Article

Genital Care - Women

Vulvar Care 

Many women experience uncomfortable, vaginal infections (vaginitis) at one time or another. The area around the entrance to the vagina (vulva) can also become irritated. Steps can be taken to relieve and prevent vulvar discomfort and vaginal infections. This document has been prepared to provide you with general tips for maintaining a healthy vulva and vagina. Not all vaginal infections are alike and home treatments can worsen some types. 

If you have any concerns about your vulvar or vaginal health, or notice unusual changes in vaginal discharge, contact your health care provider if the problem persists. The vulva and vagina The vulva is the area of female sex organs that lies outside of the vagina. These organs include folds of sensitive tissue called the "labia" (labia means "lips"). There are two sets of labia. The outermost folds are called the labia majora. A second set of folds, called the labia minora, is enclosed within the labia majora. The vulva also contains the mounded area made by the pubic bone (mons pubis), a small, round organ (clitoris), and the openings of the vagina and urinary canal (urethra). 

The vagina is the passageway that extends from outside of the body to the uterus (womb). Vaginal infections and vulvar care Vaginal infections occur when bacteria, funguses or other organisms grow uncontrolled. Some of these organisms already live in the vagina and are kept at healthy levels by coexisting with other organisms. Infectious organisms can also be introduced into the vagina by improper hygiene or unsafe sex. 

The goal of vulvar care is to keep the vulva dry and free from irritants. In this way, you can prevent the vulva from becoming red, swollen and irritated. Because many infections are introduced into the vagina, these tips also provide a basis for good, vaginal care. 
Tips for vulvar care Use only warm water to wash the vulva. Dry thoroughly with a clean towel. (If the vulva is very irritated, you can try drying it with a blow dryer set on cool.) The vagina cleanses itself naturally in the form of normal, vaginal discharge. Avoid using douches unless prescribed by your physician. These products can upset the natural balance of organisms. Wear only white, 100 percent cotton underwear. Avoid wearing nylon, acetate, or other manmade fibers. Avoid wearing thongs. Rinse underclothes carefully after washing. Or, double-rinse. 

Wash new underclothes before wearing. Use a mild soap for washing underclothes. 
Do not use detergents (especially Tide) or fabric softeners (including dryer sheets.) Use soft toilet tissue (white only). Use tampons instead of sanitary napkins to control menstrual bleeding. (Do not use deodorant tampons.) Do not leave tampons in for a long period, due to toxic shock syndrome. Do not leave tampons in all night Don't scratch. Avoid wearing nylon pantyhose or panty girdles. They trap heat and moisture, providing an ideal breeding environment for organisms. 

When nylons or leggings are required, wear cotton or nylons with a cotton panty. Avoid these feminine hygiene products, which can irritate the vulva: sanitary pads, feminine spray and deodorants, Vaseline®, oils, greases, bubble baths, bath oils, talc, or powder.

Genital Care - Men

The penis is easily a man’s most guarded and revered appendage. As such, the penis commands a level of care and respect. We're all familiar with the importance of wearing condoms in certain situations, but proper penis health care certainly doesn't end there. Let’s review some tips on proper care that will keep you -- and your unit -- rising happily each morning. regular maintenance 

Grooming For many men, genital grooming is a simple part of their penis health care routine, while for others it may be nothing more than a part-time annoyance. 

Keeping genitals hairless does have its benefits, but there are still definite pitfalls to both shaving and waxing that might not be immediately apparent: Pros Improves cleanliness/reduces moisture Inviting/sexually stimulating Can increase sensitivity during sex Facilitates skin examination Can be a fun partner experience 

Makes you look bigger Cons Tedious Painful (waxing) Expensive (waxing) Can cause irritation Can cause new or spread existing infection Some women find a polished, manscaped man erotic and even the act of shaving can be incorporated into foreplay -- with the right girl, of course. You should know, however, that both shaving and waxing can cause irritation or folliculitis, and can spread viral infections, such as genital herpes or molloscum contagiosum. 

Even nasty bacterial infections, such as methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, have been linked to the use of razors, more specifically, the sharing of razors among sports participants. All of this contradicts good penis health care. If you wish to avoid shaving or waxing, a simple trim with an electric razor is always a safe bet. If you choose to groom, however, which weapons should you choose? You’re probably best off using a simple razor with mild shaving cream or soap followed by a mild moisturising aftershave lotion or warm salt water. Avoid chemical removal techniques and electric razors if you're opting to take it all off, as with both you risk wreaking havoc on your scrotum. 

Lastly, you may choose to wax. There’s no need to feel ashamed of a little waxing as part of your penis health care, just know that it can be expensive and painful. Washing Your member is a sensitive organ, a point that should always be kept in mind. For some odd reason, many men feel the need to vigorously scrub their units with powerful soaps or disinfectants to keep clean. Guys, simple washing with warm water and, if necessary, a mild soap or non-soap cleanser (such as sorbolene or glycerine cream) is more than satisfactory. 

Uncircumcised men should slide the foreskin back and wash the head of the exposed penis simply with warm water, not soap. Then, be sure to dry the area very well. Both infrequent and too-frequent washing have been associated with balanitis (an inflammation of the penis or head). If you do notice irritation, avoid scented soaps or shower gels and try warm salt water instead. New clothes or even new laundry detergents can also cause irritation. If irritation persists, see a doctor .

Unusual Behavior

Paraphilia - Unusual Sexual Behaviors

There are numerous paraphilias. Some of the major types are:

• Fetishism: A fixation on an object or body part that is not primarily sexual in nature, and the compulsive need for its use in order to obtain sexual gratification. The fetish object is almost invariably used during masturbation and may also be incorporated into sexual activity with a partner in order to produce sexual excitation. Fetishists usually collect the object of their favor, and may go to great lengths, including theft, to acquire just the "right" addition for their collection. Some of the more common objects that have served as fetishes include women's undergarments, high-heeled shoes, or specific materials, like silk, leather or fur. Some people have a fetish for particular body parts such as feet, hair or legs. 
• Transvestism: A paraphilia in which heterosexual males repeatedly and persistently get sexual pleasure from dressing in women's clothing. Transvestism is not simply dressing up in the other sex's garments for fun or for temporary effect. The transvestite needs to cross-dress to achieve full sexual and emotional release. This is very different from the female impersonator or the drag queen (male homosexuals who occasionally dress in women's clothing), both of whom are usually playing social roles rather than expressing sexual needs.
• Voyeurism: Deriving sexual satisfaction from watching people undressing or nude, or observing them during sexual acts without their knowledge or consent. Voyeurs (from the French verb meaning "to see") or Peeping Toms are usually unmarried males in their 20s and 30s. They generally prefer to peep at women who are strangers and they are often most sexually excited when the risk of being discovered is high. Many voyeurs confine their sexual activity to masturbation while peeping or while fantasizing about previous peeping escapades.
• Exhibitionism: Compulsive act of inappropriately exposing one's sex organs to unsuspecting strangers for the purpose of sexual arousal and gratification. Also known as "indecent exposure" and "flashing," this paraphilia is found almost exclusively in males and the peak age of occurrence is reported to be in the twenties. Many exhibitionists have erectile difficulties in other forms of sexual activity and seem to be pushed by an uncontrollable urge that leads to their impulsive behavior. For some, the primary intent of exhibitionism is to evoke shock or fear in their victims, not necessarily to achieve an erection or to ejaculate. They derive their pleasure from the visible reaction of their victims. It is generally agreed that the exhibitionist is unlikely to rape or assault his victims, but there are exceptions to this rule, especially when an exhibitionist is unsatisfied with his victim's response. Police catch more exhibitionists than any other category of paraphiliacs. The risk of being caught may be an important element of the turn-on, leading some exhibitionists into behavior almost guaranteed to result in arrest, such as repeatedly performing at the same street corner.
• Sadomasochism: A paraphilia that combines sadistic and masochistic roles in sexual interaction. Sadism is the intentional infliction of pain on another person or the threat to do so, for sexual excitement. Masochism is a condition in which a person derives sexual gratification from being subjected to pain or to the threat of pain. A sadomasochist is a person who can derive sexual pleasure from either role. Forms of sadism run the gamut from the fairly common carefully controlled play-acting with a willing partner, in which the mild forms of pain that result from such acts as spanking or biting are not actually experienced as painful (think of having one's back scratched - the same intensity can sometimes feel good and sometimes hurt depending on the circumstances), to the very rare assaultive behaviors that may include torture, rape, or even murder. Some extreme sadists require an unwilling victim to derive pleasure; others become sexually aroused only when they see their victim suffering.
• Masochism: Can range from mild versions to extremes. In the mild renditions, activities might include bondage (being tied up for the purpose of sexual arousal), being spanked, or being overpowered by physical force. The crucial point is that they are mainly symbolic enactments done under carefully controlled conditions with a trusted partner. At the opposite end of the spectrum are genuinely painful activities such as whippings, semi-strangulation, being trampled and self-mutilation. Although sadomasochistic acts in their extreme forms can be physically and psychologically dangerous, the majority of people engaging in these behaviors do so with an understanding of the risks and stay within carefully predetermined limits.
• Pedophilia: An adult's preferred or exclusive method of sexual excitement is fantasizing or engaging in sexual activity with prepubescent children. About two thirds of the victims of pedophiles are girls, most often between the ages of 8 and 11. Pedophilia predominately occurs in males, but there have been documented cases of women who have repeated sexual contact with children. The popular stereotype of the child molester as a stranger who lurks around playgrounds with a bag of candy to lure victims is not entirely correct. It is not uncommon that the pedophile is a relative, neighbor, or acquaintance of the victim. Pedophiles commonly fall into three distinct age groups: over 50, the mid-to-late 30s, and the teens. Most are heterosexual and many are married fathers. Strictly speaking, the person who has only isolated sexual contact with children is not a pedophile and may be inappropriately expressing sexual frustration, loneliness, or personal conflict. There is no single pattern of sexual activity that fits all pedophiles.
• Bestiality: Engaging in sexual contact with animals. When the act or fantasy of sexual activity with animals is a repeatedly preferred or exclusive means of sexual gratification, it is called zoophilia. Bestiality usually involves curiosity, a desire for novelty, or a desire for sexual release when a partner is unavailable. Zoophilia sometimes involves sadistic acts that may harm the animal.

Examples and Causes of Paraphilia

Obscene Telephone Calls

Making repeated obscene telephone calls for the purpose of sexual excitement is also considered a paraphilia. The relative safety and one-sided anonymity of the telephone provides an idealized setting for masturbatory fantasies with no worries about face-to-face contact.

There are three basic types of obscene phone calls. In the first, the caller boasts about himself and describes in detail his masturbatory act. In the second type, the caller directly threatens the victim ("I've been watching you" or "I'm going to find you"). In the third type, the caller tries to get the victim to reveal intimate details about her life. Sometimes the obscene phone caller repeatedly calls the same victim, but more often, unless the victim shows a willingness to stay on the phone and play his game, he'll move on to others.

Rare Sexual Attractions 

There are some paraphilias that are relatively rare. Apotemnophilia refers to the sexual attraction to amputations. Coprophilia and urophilia refer respectively to sexual excitement deriving from contact with feces and urine. Klismaphilia is sexual excitement resulting from the use of enemas. Frotteurism is sexual arousal resulting from rubbing the genitals against the body of a fully clothed person in crowded situations, and necrophilia is sexual arousal derived from viewing or having sexual contact with a corpse.

Mistake Men Make

This whole discussion started off with the question, what’s the difference between intimacy and sex? Here are a few blunders to avoid while being intimate and having sex with your wife:

1. Pursuing her only in bed. At the end of a long, busy day, as you climb into the sheets together, if there’s been no pre-game, it’s less likely that the main event is going to take place. Think of pursing your lover as an all day affair. Women love to be wooed. And the best wooing can be of her mind. Let her know you’re thinking about her. You desire her.

2. Not speaking up or being direct. Many men fall victim to the idea that sex will just happen. It’s part of marriage, right? If you believe this then little more effort than “hey honey, wanna do it?” may be made. Or the issue may be brought up via passive language, “so are we going to have sex tonight?” While you may think there’s nothing wrong with this last statement, wording it that way makes it seem like an obligation. Another thing on the to-do list. Try being a bit more direct, “baby, I want you.”

3. Letting yourself go. While you may have said “for better or worse” and this may include some fluctuations in weight, don’t let yourself go completely. Moving from the wash board abs to the round rock abs may be a bit of an inevitability over time, don’t rush it. Your wife wants a husband who takes care of himself – from your basic hygiene, to how you dress, to what shape you’re in – physically, mentally, and spiritually.

4. Going south too soon, or not at all. Diving in for the genitals too soon, whether this be by hand or orally, usually isn’t the best idea. Your wife needs to be properly aroused before heading south. Focus on her whole body. Head to toe. And don’t forget her mind. For those who don’t go at all, that may be fine with your wife, or it may not. Have you asked her?  Talk about your thoughts on the subject together. A guilty feeling tied to the oral sex subject. 

5. Ignoring, or not knowing, the clitoris. Many men may think a woman’s orgasmic ability is due to penetration. And while there is pleasure during penetration, a major player for her is on the sidelines.

The clitoris’ only function is pleasure – so don’t ignore her prime-time performer. Become a student of her body – she’ll thank you for it.

6. Missing other erogenous zones. Most women have more erogenous areas than simply her breasts, nipples, and genitals. The big three may be the zones that are most stimulating for men during foreplay, but you may want to wait until you’re invited before moving in. Ask her what she likes. And then remember what she tells you!!! Take the time to learn your wife’s other “hot” zones. Neck, shoulders, back, buttocks, and feet are common zones. Generally speaking, their other zones are usually what lights up the big three!

Never forget – the hottest zone of all is between her ears  – her mind.

7. Seeking to score for yourself. Many men may seek to just “get some.” Be sure to realize that sex is best when there are two of you playing the game. Learn to stay present in the moment. To follow her lead. And to follow the connection between the two of you. This will lead to the best climaxes for both of you.

8. Not exploring her fantasies. All women have an erotic side. While some may have no idea where this is located, research has found that women are more aroused by explicit fantasies than romantic ones. If you are one who wants to up the role-play or fantasy side of sex, have you taken the lead? If you long for your wife to “dress up” for you and she’s unwilling, how about greeting your wife one evening in costume? Come into the bedroom with only a bow tie on and a towel over your arm as “Jeeves, her butler willing to serve her for the evening.”

9. Thinking she should act like a porn star. Speaking of fantasies, one of the many terrible things depicted in pornography is the thought that she should fulfill your every fantasy. This is not reality. She is not an object, don’t treat her as such.

10. Believing once is enough for her. She just had a through the roof orgasm, she’s perfectly content, right? Wrong. Many women are not near as quick to come down from their revved up state as men. Even if you’re content, don’t rule out the second half, or even overtime. There are many other ways of pleasing her. There’s the whistle, get back in the game.

A word of caution – make sure she’s the one interested in more. Men can turn the pursuit of more into a personal scorecard – “The more orgasms I can give her, the better lover I am.” Not true if she’s either satisfied or not made for multiples. If that’s the case, then you’re manipulating her body to stroke your ego -“ and that’s never sexy!

11. Going too fast. If there’s one bit of advice I’ve given almost every couple I’ve counseled when it comes to sex it’s this: slow down. Take your time with each other. Enjoy the moments together. If you only have time for a “quickie” then this may not apply. But if you’ve got the time together, don’t rush it. Slow down. Relax. And enjoy!

Mistake Women Make

When it comes to a couple’s sex life, there are many things that will cause it to ebb and flow. Everyday stresses with work, kids, schedules, and household tasks are bound to take its toll on sex. With all the things that can preclude intimate moments together with your lover, let’s tackle some of the issues that may come up during the encounters. And another word of warning, this post continues the “gutsy” approach to the topic by addressing things honestly. Adults only please. 

1. Trading in hot momma for mommy. Motherhood does not make you celibate. Unless that is your conscious choice. While the rigors of being a mom can impact your sexual desires, it most likely doesn’t extinguish it. You need to nurture your sex life. Leave him and yourself little notes to discover during the day. Wear something sexy under your normal childcare uniform or business attire. Do something that helps you remember you are a sexual goddess. Research has found that a happy and healthy marriage is the best thing you can do for your children. 

2. Unresponsiveness in the sack. Sex with a corpse is not a good thing. Don’t just lie there. Get involved. Move. Make some noise. If sex isn’t pleasurable for you, what’s missing? Try different positions, or locations throughout the house. Whatever ignites things for you. 

3. Not speaking up or being direct. Similar to men, women can fall victim to the idea that your partner will know or sense what’s going on with you. If something is going on you don’t enjoy, speak up. While it may dampen the mood, when you’re honest and communicate your needs, you get the chance to experience even more during sex together.Also, if he inquires about sex, be honest. There’s a big difference between saying flat out “no” and “not at the moment, but I could be enticed.”

 4. Not owning your own body. What most men find as a lasting turn-on more than anything is how a woman carries herself. Her confidence. If you are always down on your body, you can do something about it by working out if you want. But one thing you can for sure do is learn to embrace the skin you’re in. Walk around naked. Have sex with the lights on. When you own your own body, you can flaunt one of your biggest assets, you! 

5. Forgetting your feminine side. There are many roles women have thrust upon them today. Caretaker, mother, business woman, boss, manager, chauffeur, nurturer. One of the main roles sometimes lost in our society is that of Eve. The last of God’s creations! The manifestation of God’s beauty! Women are beautifully and wonderfully made. Don’t forget that Eve is the beauty in the story of life. Carry yourself as such, and don’t settle for being seen as less. 

6. Insecurity towards other women. Similar to not owning your own body, being constantly threatened by other women is not attractive. Remember your husband chose you, so focus your energies on keeping his eyes on you. Learn to seduce him, tease him, tempt him. 

7. Fear of your erotic nature. Many women may fear if they are erotic, they’ll come across as slutty or cheap. That may be just what he wants at times! Have the courage to let go once in a while. Be erotic. Play to his visual nature. Make him notice you. Get on top during sex. Take charge. As the Usher song states, be “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” A common thought is that men are led by two brains. Don’t forget about his northern brain. 

8. Not going down. There are some couples who fear oral sex. If you don’t like going down on your husband and he wants you to, have you talked about it? Share your thoughts, listen to his. Are there other things you could do? Sure there are, but blindly hoping they happen usually isn’t good for both of you. Speak up. Incidentally, if you do go down, no teeth please!

 9. Failure to initiate. The number one complaint I hear from men is this issue of their wife not initiating sexual encounters. Perhaps this is due to some of the other points previously made, or something different. When you’re interested in sex, let it be known. Even if he’s at work, send him an email disclosing what’s on your mind. 

10. Slow down. Just like the advice for the men, slow down. Take your time together. Enjoy the moments you have together.